Chances are you've heard of the movie "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" if you're a fan of The Beatles, The Bee Gees, Peter Frampton, Billy Preston, Earth Wind and Fire, Steve Martin, Aerosmith, or Alice Cooper, and, chances are, you've been told to stay FAR FAR AWAY FROM IT.
Well, a few weeks ago, I boldly went were no sane person has gone before… I bought it on eBay.
Now, after my last movie, That'll Be The Day, I was feelin' a little down about buying movies. But, on I went, pressed the Buy Now button.
And let me just say, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band is absolutely, positively, definitely one of the absolute greatest movies I've seen. I kid you not.
Now, you see, I walk home with Kristen. I wait for her outside the back door at school. Today I smelt some kids doing something they shouldn't have been doing. And it was STRONG. I may have inhaled a bit too much of this, so maybe that's why I enjoyed it so much.
The movie begins in 1918 or something, during the war. And suddenly, you see these marching band dudes walking right through the middle of it! It took me awhile to figure out they were playing Sgt. Pepper's. A little too long. But at least I figured it out. Then the mayor of Heartland, Mr. Kite, explains to us a bit about their history, and how Sgt. Pepper and his Lonely Hearts Club Band played through the roaring twenties, the depression, etc, right up to World War II. Then they had a weather vane made in their honour and then Sgt. Pepper and the band (now old men) begin to play a song for everyone. But then Sgt. Pepper drops dead. Aww.
He wanted his nephew or something, Billy Shears (Peter Frampton), to continue on the band, and his brother Dougie Shears (Paul Nicholas, Cousin Kevin!) was sad. Then Billy got his friends, Mark and Dave and something (the Bee Gees) and they joined in his band.
Dougie Shears isn't left out though, he's their like roadie money loving girl picking upping dude that follows them around the whole time. Which is awesome, because I thought he'd only be there in the beginning!
Anyway, they're playing Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, then Billy Shears runs up (wearing this awful pink and white outfit with his name on it!) and starts to sing With A Little Help From My Friends. Then we meet Billy's girlfriend, Strawberry Fields. Aww. Then they get some telegram from this dude at Big Deal Records and he says he wants (bwhahaha wants… sorry, you won't get it yet) them to send him a tape. So they do and they start playing Getting Better later somewhere and then they get invited to go to the record place.
Oh, and we meet Mean Mr. Mustard ("such a mean old man!" BWHAHA) and he's like evil and he steals the original SPLHCB instruments from the mayor's office. And he's in this weird van with these two robot girls. Very strange.
And then there's a lovely little scene with Billy and Strawberry and Strawberry sings Here Comes The Sun. And then the band goes off in their hot air balloon, and one of them gets sick ha ha, and then they are suddenly in an airplane? That confused the heck outta me.
Oh, and somewhere before this, Mr. Kite, the old dude, sings Fixing A Hole. It was strange.
Then, cue "I Want You (She's So Heavy)". They get outta the plane an into a car with the record dude an the chick driving the car. And the record dude starts singing I Want You to the guys! Now, if I was them, I would be getting my butt THE HELL OUTTA THERE, and my brother definitely found it disturbing. But I mean, the Bee Gees and Peter seem quite ah, girly, so I guess they were okay with it. :)
Then they go to the dude's mansion and there's these chicks there and they start the flirting and making out and stuff, and there's one part there where they sing to the camera. That was awful. But hilarious.
So then the band gets famous and ruins various Beatles songs and whatnot. Billy's girlfriend is sad so She Leav[es] Home to find him. She does find him, but he's singing with Lucy and The Diamonds and then they start makin' out again. So she's sad.
AH HA HA. Then they're recording Oh Darling or something in the studio and then he sees her, so they all start running out, but then the one Bee Gee that's singing doesn't realize it, so he's the only one there still singing, so then they run back and get him. HA HA.
So then they find the evil Mustard dude's car, and 'cause meanwhile he's been taking over Heartland and making the old people and Strawberry sad. So the van computer tells them to go see Dr. Maxwell Edison (Steve Martin).
Maxwell's a surgeon or something with his magical silver hammer and he taps old ugly people with the hammer and they turn into peppy gay tall kids wearing camping outfits. And did I mention THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THE BEST FREAKIN' SCENES EVER!?!?! It reminded me a bit of Jack Nicholson as the doctor and the cult type thing with Eric Clapton in Tommy. Anyway, so they steal the trumpet thing from him, but Billy is knocked out, but then Strawberry sings Strawberry Fields Forever to him and he wakes up because he loves her and she loves him and they're all happy.
Then they go to the Sun King (Alice Cooper), who's brainwashing the camping kids, but he's not really paying any attention to them, he's watching boxing and eating pie, and they're all watching a video of him singing Because. The band and Strawberry arrive and stop the brainwashing thing and steal the tuba and the Sun King gets pie in the face WHICH WAS FREAKIN' HILARIOUS!
Oh, and Billy finds the drum in the van at some point, because Mr. Mustard just left it there.
Oh, and they go see Earth Wind and Fire sing Got To Get You Into My Life at a concert, but stupid Strawberry is standing away from everyone else and gets kidnapped.
Oh! And Dougie and some chick sing You Never Give Me Your Money and roll around in money and laugh and have fun! Woo hoo!
So now they've gotta go to the big bad guys and get the last instrument. The big bad guys are the FVB, Future Villain Band (Aerosmith). And they've got Strawberry tied up somewhere. So they start singing Come Together for no particular reason. And then the band comes up and there's a big fight.
Now, let me ask you this: Who would win in a fight — Peter Frampton or Steven Tyler? Steven Tyler, right? Well YOU'RE DEAD WRONG. Peter Frampton kicked some Aerosmith butt! And then he died. And I was reminded of Tommy, because poor Steven was lying there like in Cousin Kevin when Tommy falls down the stairs. Lots of stuff reminded me of Tommy, actually.
But oh no - suddenly, the thing that Strawberry is tied up to falls as well, and wouldn't you believe it — SHE DIES TOO!
So now there's a funeral and Billy's singin' Golden Slumbers to her, and his friends tell him to Carry That Weight. So now everyone's sad and Billy's about to jump off a roof (and me and my brother start yelling at him to do it!) and then he DOES! And the stupid Bee Gees just look up stupidly and don't even help him.
But, remember the Sgt. Pepper weather vane? It's actually Billy Preston! He comes alive and flies down and zaps Billy and tells him to Get Back and he doesn't die! And then he brings Strawberry back to life! And then they hug! And then they all dance around and are happy!
Then everyone gets together, along with Tina Turner (another Tommy character), Herman (from Herman's Hermits), and a ton of other famous people. And they all sing Sgt. Pepper's (Reprise) and are all together like on the album cover. Brilliant!
So yeah. I just adored this movie. Mom didn't get to see it and she came home just as Billy Preston came on and she thought me and my brother were totally stoned. Heh heh.