Huh. Well, we had part two of our English test today, and it looks like I'm not going to be getting my mark to 70%, and definitely not anywhere near 80%, like I had planned at the beginning of the semester. I wonder if summer school sign ups are still open…?
So the topic was about blood references in Macbeth and how it made him a tragic hero. So I'm like "…how do you reckon that one out?" And then I'm like "well, everyone's entitled to two, and he's my other grandfather". I mean, no. Really, I was like "oh………crap."
For like 30 minutes. Before writing anything on the bloody paper.
Cor, I said bloody. Wow, that's really funny actually. I mean, because it's about BLOOD and I said BLOODY like British people do, and that's really quite ironic or something. But it's not really funny anymore because I pointed it out and explained it all and so it loses its charm, you know?
But no, seriously, I was just sitting there. Just telling myself "you're going to fail", "you've failed", "just give up". Because I just could not do it. It was awful.
So before I start crying and creating a scene and running out of the class room, I say to myself "you have got to write SOMETHING". So I write some stuff about Banquo's murder. And somehow was able to tie it into the attributes of a tragic hero.
Then I did the same for Duncan's murder and the witches. And by some magic, I was able to connect all three in three different ways that made Macbeth a tragic hero! So then I started thinking "you did it! You're gonna pass!"
But then I realized "no, don't get your hopes up. You are failing this test, and you are failing it miserably".
Then I was talking to Jada and she had a lot of the same things I had, so then I started to get my hopes up again, and I still have this part of me that's saying "you are gonna do so freakin' awesome on this test and you are gonna bring your mark up so much!" but I really want that part to DIE.
Was it on Dead Like Me, and George is like "don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed?" Actually, I think lots of people are like that. And I want to be like that. Because really, it sounds awful and pessimistic, but it is a really good concept! You won't be disappointed, but if something turns out to be great it'll just be so much better! There is really no chance of being sad by expecting the worst.
My mind is so stupid. Your stupid minds! Stupid, stupid!
I mean, really. I want to think pessimistically but my mind wants to think optimistically. And with lucid dreaming, I tell myself there is NOTHING stopping you from having lucid dreams. It's your dreams! You can do whatever you want! Like when people are complaining because they can't fly in their dreams and people post "flying tutorials" or whatever I'm like "that is so stupid! There's no method to flying, you just DO IT, because it's a BLOODY DREAM!"
Actually, speaking of dreams, I've been reading Dream Views quite a bit recently, and I stumbled upon something called "Old Hag Syndrome". It's like you're lying in bed and about to drift off to sleep when you feel something pushing you down, or someone sitting on your chest, or you'll hear voice or see pretty colours, or you won't be able to move or scream or you feel tingly or feel an evil presence in the room and stuff. But it's really Sleep Paralysis and is completely normal, but you don't realize it's happening usually. And in order to do a WILD (wake initiated lucid dream) you go through this, and people are often scared of doing WILDs because of these symptoms. So I was feeling adventurous and I'm like "hey, that would be pretty cool actually!", but then when I was about to go to sleep the other day and thought of attempting it I was like "eh… maybe not". Because once you're in the dark, can't see anything, it's a little more scary. I'm not really afraid of the dark, but darkness is definitely not a positive, good thing to me. Especially because I don't have my glasses on and things don't even look like things. I love taking my glasses off at night while in the car because all the headlights and streetlights look like giant glowing disco balls.
Anyway, this entry is getting long, and people are probably going to think I'm less sane than usual, because they don't know what WILDs are and lucid dreaming probably sounds like a dirty thing. But it's not. coughunlesskeithmoonshowsupcough. Ahem. :)