“Ready or not, here we come!” yelled Jenny, “buh-luuuum!”
“I’m not ready!” came a little voice from behind a tree.
“Well, bloody ‘ell, you should be by now! We’ve given you three months to hide!” Graham replied, then turned to Jenny. “Right then, where should we look first? The road is long, with many a winding turn!”
Jenny rolled her eyes at the obvious anachronism. “Hmm… umm… how about… the hotel!” she suggested, and started walking zombie-like towards the tall building.
“No, no, no; we agreed the hotel was off-limits, remember?” Graham reminded her.
“Huh? I don’t remember writing anything about that…” Jenny thought.
Graham yanked her back to the sidewalk. “Now come on, why are you so set on going in the hotel, ey?”
SMASH! BANG! BOOM! BONG!
Suddenly, a man ran out of the front doors of the hotel. “Ahm, excuse me, is there a manager or summat ‘ere? I fink there’s sumfing wrong in room 515, an’ if someone could send a bell boy or sumfing, that would be great. Fanks,” the man said and scampered back into the building.
Graham rolled his eyes. “Ah, now I know why you want to go in the hotel! Well, stop it! The Who ahren’t a part of this chapter!”
“What?” Jenny asked, “but they were at Woodstock too! And this is my story; I can do whatever I bleedin’ well want to!”
Suddenly, they were on Mars.
“What in the bloody…?” Graham wondered aloud.
“See? That’s what you get for questioning my omnipotence! Right then, time to seek! Hey there, Georgy Girl! La la la la la la, la la la…” she sang and skipped off to find the others.
“Umm, but, uh, isn’t everyone else hiding on Earth…?” Graham asked.
“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” Jenny said dramatically.
“Sooo tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for yoooou…” David sang.
Jada sighed. “Man, I wish they would hurry up and start seeking!”
“They seek the truth before they can die,” David sang.
“Geez, does this guy ever shut up?” Jada mumbled.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
They waited and waited.
“HOLY CRAP!” Jada yelled suddenly.
“What?” asked David.
“Over there! Look!”
“I don’t see anything… what are you looking at?”
“A face! A face! I’ve just seen a face!”
“A face? Whose face?”
“I can’t tell; it looks like it’s being eaten by a nose!”
“HELP! I NEED SOMEBODY!” David screamed, looking around frantically for someone to save them. But they could not be saved, for it was…
THE ATTACK OF THE NOSE!
DUN DUN DUUUN!
“AHHHH! It’s coming closer! What do we do?” Jada asked, digging her nails into Crosby’s arm.
“PTTPUDJBWGA!” the face-nose mumbled.
“No! Please don’t kill me, Mr. Nose Face; I wanna be in the sequel!”
The face-nose got closer and closer until it was finally intelligible.
“Umm, excuse me,” the nose-face said, “but did you steal my money?”
“Oh, it’s just Pete!” David said.
“Phew!” Jada said, “that’s a relief. And no, we didn’t steal your money.”
“Oh, well, fanks anyway!” Pete said, “anyhow, see you around.”
“Around where?” David asked.
“Anywhere,” Pete said and grinned. “Well, that joke’s finished. Ta!”
“Unnnh… I think my hand’s falling asleep…” said Stephen.
“Oh! Here, let me help you!” Patrick said and started slapping Stephen’s hand repeatedly.
“Oww! What was that for?”
“Nothing, nothing… just making sure, it’s, ah, still got circulation. Yeah!”
“Well, don’t do it again!”
“I’m sorry, Stevie.”
“And don’t call me that!”
They sat in silence for a few moments, helplessly hoping Jenny and Graham would seek them soon.
“Hey, why don’t we go play with that chainsaw over there?” Patrick asked.
“Are you mad?” Stephen asked, incredulously.
“Uhm, well, how about… that shark in the river? You know, get out in the open air?”
Stephen gave him a look. “You’re weird! And we’re supposed to be hiding, anyway.”
“Well, then, here, you can play with this pocket knife and hide at the same time!”
“No!” Stephen cried, “why are you always on about me playing with things that are dangerous?”
“Well, gosh darn it! Jenny and her weird friend got to see you hurt your hand, and I want to, too!”
“That’s not a very nice thing to say,” a voice said.
“Huh?” Stephen and Patrick turned around.
“Hello, Stephen,” the man said.
“What’s going on?” Patrick asked, “two Stephen Stills? Woo hoo! Double the hand-smashing fun!”
“Peter! My man!” Stephen said, and hugged him, then turned to Patrick. “This is my good buddy, Peter Tork!”
“Oh… crap,” Patrick said.
“What’s wrong?” Peter asked. “Oh, hey, wait! You look familiar! Didn’t I see you at one of my concerts?”
“No! NO! I wasn’t there! NEVER! I’ve never seen a Monkee in my life!”
“Yeah, yeah! I remember you! Hey, man, good to see you again. You were pretty young when I last saw you, that must’ve been, what, your first concert? Wow, I’m honoured. I really appreciate it.”
“Noooooo!” Patrick yelled, and ran off, crying. Peter and Stephen shrugged.
“Come on, Neil, hurry up! We need to find a hiding place!” Alysse yelled, pulling on Neil’s arm.
“No! I’m not done yet!” Neil said, and turned towards a bush.
“EWW! GROSS!” Alysse cried and shielded her eyes. Neil gave her a confused look, then turned back to the bush.
“LIES!” he screamed at the bush. “LIES! LIIIIIES!”
“Oookay,” Alysse said, and shook her head, “time to go.”
“Hey, this is the hotel! It’s supposed to be off-limits!” Neil said as Alysse pulled him into the building.
“Where do people keep reading this stuff?” she thought, but ignored him.
“Come on,” Alysse said, “someone left this room open!” She surveyed the area and then darted into the vacant room.
“Help me look!” she said.
“Look? Look for what?” Neil asked.
Alysse rolled her eyes. “Money! Obviously!”
“What? Pa sent me money, now I’m gonna make it!” Neil told her.
“Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but we need more! MOOOORE! So we can take over the world! MWHAHAHA!”
“Hey, listen, man, I don’t know about all this takin’ over the free world business…” Neil said.
Alysse stopped rummaging through drawers and grabbed Neil’s shoulders. She gave him a serious look. “Neil. Listen to me. We need money to take over the world, because if we don’t, people will continue to make fun of you for ever and ever.”
“What? Who makes fun of me?” Neil asked, defensively.
“I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but… have you ever heard yourself sing?”
“What? They… don’t like my voice?” Neil fell to his knees and started to weep.
“Ah, there, there, Neil. Only love can break your heart,” Alysse patted him on the back.
“Hey! Wot are you kids doin’ in my room?” a voice yelled from out in the hallway.
“Scatter!” Alysse cried, and she and Neil promptly jumped out of the window.
“Get out and don’t come back!” the man yelled after them. “Stupid hippies…” he grumbled.
“Grace, thank you for being so generous and letting us stay with you in your hotel room,” Farmer Glen said, observing the room.
“Oh, it’s no problem, Glenny, baby,” Grace said and winked, “anything for you.”
“But… can I ask you a little favour?” Grace asked.
“Sure, sure! Whatever you want!” Glen said, eagerly.
“Well, you see,” Grace said, “…I need somebody to love.”
“Oh… well, umm, well, I’m kind of, umm, well, you know…”
“You… you… really?” Grace said, sadly.
“Yeah, I’m, well, yeah…”
“I see…” Grace said.
“Heh, yeah, umm, sorry…”
Grace was quiet for a few moments, and then she spoke. “Which one is it?”
“What?” Glen asked.
“You know what I mean!” Grace screamed, “who is it? Jada? Jenny? Alysse? Patricia?”
“Patricia?” Glen asked.
“Oh! So it’s Patricia?”
“No… who’s Patricia?”
“The one with the… the mustache.”
“No, no! That’s Patrick.”
“Oh. Well. Fine. Then which one?”
“I’ll kill her! I’ll kill her!”
“No! Grace! Nooo!”
“OFF WITH HER HEAD!”