Cool Cherry Cream

Sleepless nights I have wasted

So, I'm like, okay, it's 1:00 in the morning, but I'm totally not sleepy. I mean, I should totally go to bed, but like, I'm just going to end up lying there and thinking about stuff, you know? And I could totally be doing something productive right now, but I just like, totally feel… I don't know, like, something, you know?

Once upon a time, there lived four little girls named Johnnie, Ginny, June, and Janey.

Johnnie was stunningly beautiful. She was so beautiful that whenever she left the house at night, stars would fall out of the sky and onto the earth simply so that they could be closer to her beautifulness beauty. Her beauty could not be matched by the most delicate flower or the most majestic mountain or the most perfect freehand circle. She was just that beautiful. I can't even begin to describe how beautiful she was because you just couldn't even begin to understand. But you need to take my word for it, for she was so beautiful that she could stop even the most determined sled dog in his tracks.

Ginny knew more than you could ever hope to find in all the libraries in all the world, for she had traditional knowledge, like grammar and arithmetic, but also knowledge that was actually useful. She could win chess games in a single move, calculate pi to its repeating point, and recreate the entire works of Shakespeare on only one typewriter with no monkeys whatsoever. She won every award imaginable and more.

June and Janey are really amazing people too, but this story is really really important, so we'll just skip them for now, and before you ask, Janey does not have any sort of preoccupation with firearms.

Despite these girls being perfect in every imaginable way, they all suffered horrible, tragic, sorrowful pasts, for they were aborted in the first trimester, adopted by a poor street family, forced to work in sweat shops overseas, and abused by their evil step-uncle, who then killed their three parents and fairy godmother and locked them in his basement with no food or water for eight and three quarter years, after which they were released and forced to become prostitutes when they all developed a nasty dependency on various nasty drugs. They were then raped and pillaged by pirates.

These girls are completely and utterly selfless and their entire being is for the good of humanity and they believe that love truly is the answer. Some people would think that after such a tragic history, they would be bitter towards humankind, but no, for they are truly perfect beings, and they know only how to love.

"Hey, I've never noticed this large hole in the floor. Whoooa!"

"Oh dear, she has fallen into the hole! Come on girls, we'll have to follow her!"

"Okay!"

"Wow, wouldn't you believe it? This hole led us to this strange looking city! The people are all wearing strange clothes and talking in strange voices like they've forgotten there's a letter "h" at the beginning of words and they like to call Paula Abdul 'Pauler'!"

"Paula Abdul? Who's that?"

"Oh my god, that means we must be in the sixties!"

"Groovy!"

"OWWW! SOMEONE JUST RAN OVER ME WITH THEIR CAR!"

"Oh no! She's hurt!"

"Whoops, did I run over you with my car?"

"YOU DAMN WELL DID AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT!"

"I'm terribly sorry, miss, but I didn't see you there!"

"EXCUSE ME, MISTER! I'm really mad at you and I hate you and I absolutely never want to see you again and don't you dare think I would ever fall in love with ypu because that's the last thing that's going to happen in this story, and I don't mean 'last' like 'last chapter', but I mean it's never gonna happen because even though we're obviously a perfect match, despite me not knowing a thing about you, you ran over me, so I HATE YOU!"

"Well, that's awful harsh. I mean, all I did was run over you, and now there's only a little bit of blood gushing everywhere."

"Oh, I guess that's all right then. Sorry abo — OH MY GOD! THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER MY BEAUTIFUL GO-GO BOOTS! And hey wait, these aren't my clothes! Hey wait, these are some really weird clothes that don't belong to me! …But they're kind of growing on me!"

"Oh my god, the clothes are alive! THEY WILL KILL US ALL!"

"No, not like that, I mean, they're really ugly, but I'm kinda starting to like them."

"Hey, why are you wearing clothes that aren't yours?"

"Huh! I should ask you the same question."

"GASP! You mean — !"

"Hey, you guys are kind of ignoring me here."

"Oh, sorry Pete."

"No problem."

"Right, so now what?"

"Well, I guess you girls will all have to go in my van and I'll take you to my flat and we'll get you cleaned up. Cheers!"

"Don't you think we should go to a hospital first?"

"…Nooo."

"Umm, actually guys, what happened was I tripped and fell onto a conveniently placed pile of leaves and I guess I my first reaction was to think this guy in the car hit me!"

"But what about the blood — ?"

"Oh, I just really like ketchup."

"So I guess we don't need to go with the strange man in the strange van, then."

"No, I guess not."

"Wait! If you don't come with me… you won't be able to blink your right eye!"

"What? That's rubbish!"

"Well, it's true."

"We should go with him just in case."

"Right, hop in."

"Hey wait, this van is full of people!"

"What, do you drive around town hitting people and throwing them in your van?"

"No! Of course not! Let me introduce to you my friends: Rogah, Keef, and Jun!"

"'Ello!"

"Right then, everyone in the van!"

"But there's no room!"

"You can just squeeze in on top of the other guys!"

"But they're squeezed in on top of the instruments!"

"Oh well, pile in anyway!"

"Tra la la, we are taking a nice car ride with these nice people to their nice house."

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant! Roger, you bastard!"

"Wot?"

"But he's all the way over there!"

"Wait… you mean… Keith?"

"OH MY GOD, IT'S A MURDER MYSTERY! Everybody, stand back, I'm an expert; I read all the Nancy Drew books in seventh grade!"

"We've arrived at the flat!"

"Great, everyone out of the van!"

"Oh John, I love you!"

"MRMRMAFMRAMFM!"

"Yay! It's a wedding!"

"…or forever hold your peace!"

"Peace, man! Far out."

"Grr… I hate hippies!"

"WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING! John, I love you. I've always loved you… And you're the mother of my child."

"Keith, stop interrupting!"

"But I couldn't hold my peace any longer! I demand to be heard! This is a legitimate concern!"

"Now I love you, Pete."

"Yay!"

"He's mine! Take that, you bitchy bitchfaced bitch!"

"Stop it, all of you! There will be no karate chopping at my wedding!"

"Oh my god, you killed her!"

"OMG WTF!!!"

"Hurry, let's bury her before anyone sees!"

"Umm… there's a whole wedding party here that saw everything!"

"Shut up you idiot! Maybe they didn't hear us!"

"There, now that that's done, let's shag!"

"'Kay!"

"Ohhhh Keeee-errr-ROGER!"

"Wot did you say, luv?"

"I said I love you Roger!"

"Good 'nuff for me!"

"Wait, you two, hold it! I can't believe I didn't see this before, but Roger, you're beautiful, and I'm beautiful, and so we were obviously meant for each other!"

"Sorry, could it wait a second, luv?"

"No! You're breaking my heart, Rogah! BREAKING MY HEART!"

"You're breakin' her heart, dear boy, yeaaah!"

"My heart, I can just hear it breaking!"

"Yeah!"

"It's falling on the floor!"

"Yeah!"

"Into a million pieces!"

"Yeeheh –"

"SHUT UP, RASTUS!"

"Okay, wot didja say, luv?"

"I said it's obvious that we were meant for each other because you're beautiful and I'm beautiful and we've got all the same character traits as if some divine writer made us that way and we were destined to meet despite you living in another country and era!"

"Well, I certainly didn't see that one coming!"

"Okay, so now we need to get these other peeps hooked up with their respective peeps!"

"Right, Pete, you love her. Good? Good!"

"Fine with me."

"Yay, let's go smash things up!"

"Hey, you there! You've said nothing this entire time. Just like John! You were obviously made for each other as well, seeing as you both share the common character trait of not talking, and even though we know nothing more about your characters other than that, it's obvious that you guys go together like shananananananana bippity boom de boom."

"Actually, we've been shagging in the closet this whole time because we already realized that hours ago."

"Come on, you obviously love each other, don't deny it!"

"We're not."

"We'll lock you in a closet together until you admit that you love each other!"

"Fine with me."

"Ohh! Maybe we'll even die!"

"Hey, look at these two! They're so happy together, smashing up things, and jumping into pools with cars tied around their bodies!"

"Hee hee hee! Smashie smashie!"

"Well, it looks like our work here is done."

"Oh no, it's almost twelve o'clock!"

"What does that mean?"

"Young girls are coming to the canyon!"

"Ohhh! Well, what are we waiting for? ORGY!"

"No, that's twelve thirty, you dolt! At twelve, we must return home to America and whatever time period it is that we came from!"

"Oh no, and we just realized how much we love each other and life was so perfect!"

"Oh well."

"Yeah, oh well."

"…'Bye then!"