You see, I gotta go out in this car with these people and…
Category: Artistic, Music
Tags: david-crosby, def-leppard, eric-clapton, fan-fiction, john-lennon, paul-mccartney, screenwriting
I have recently decided that it's time for me to learn how to drive. I figure I'll do a bit more reading the driver's manual and take the first test soon, and after that, I'll take driving lessons. I was looking around the other day for quizzes on driving and I found one site that listed all the places where you could go to get lessons. And there were a ton! How do I pick?
Then, I had a great idea. The words of Homer Simpson rang in my ears: "rock stars — is there anything they don't know?"
[cue dream sequence riff]
MR. CLAPTON
Hello, how may I help you?
JENNY
Umm, hi… I was wondering if you offered driving lessons here?
MR. CLAPTON
Why yes, yes we do!
JENNY
Great, where do I sign up?
MR. CLAPTON
Sign up? No need, we can get started right away! I'll give you the car keys.
JENNY
Umm, you mean, you're just going to let me drive? I don't need to like, learn anything first?
MR. CLAPTON
Don't be daft. Off you go! Don't drive too far, now!
JENNY
Uh, isn't there supposed to be an instructor or something?
MR. CLAPTON
Oh, yes, silly me! I almost forgot! We have some of the best licensed instructors available! Let me see, where are they…? Hey guys? Hey, guys!?
A man enters.
MR. CLAPTON (cont'd)
Heyyy, David! Come 'ere!
DAVID
Hey, what's up?
MR. CLAPTON
Mr. Crosby, this young lady is interested in driving lessons. Think you could help her out?
MR. CROSBY (confused)
Wha — dri…? We give driving lessons?
EXT. STREET - DAY
MR. CROSBY
Alright, there's nothing to it: just put the keys in here, put it in drive, put your foot over here, push down, and then the car goes VA-ROOOOM!
JENNY (hesitantly)
Umm, okaaay…
JENNY does so, and soon enough they are cruising down the street.
MR. CROSBY
See? You're doing great!
JENNY (excitedly)
So… that's it? Awesome!
MR. CROSBY
Well, it is a little more complicated than that. There's all these little things you're supposed to do, you know, like put on your seatbelt and check your mir –
MR. CROSBY pauses as he looks in the mirror.
JENNY (watching the road)
Check your — check your what?
MR. CROSBY continues to stare into the mirror. He begins to sweat.
MR. CROSBY (flatly)
Give me the wheel.
JENNY
What?
MR. CROSBY (urgently)
Give-me-the-wheel!
JENNY
I don't think that –
MR. CROSBY grabs the wheel and makes a sharp turn down the street.
JENNY
Whooooa!
[police sirens]
EXT. ROCK 'N' ROLL DRIVING SCHOOL — DAY
MR. CROSBY is being taken away in a police car.
MR. CLAPTON (apologetically)
We're terribly sorry about that… situation, miss. I'll find you another driving instructor right away.
JENNY (skeptical)
Uh… yeah… thanks…
MR. CLAPTON (enthusiastically)
Oh, here we are! Two wonderful instructors, right here! Gentlemen!
MR. CLAPTON speaks to the two men, then leaves as they approach JENNY.
MR. LENNON (warmly)
So, you want to learn how to drive, hmm?
JENNY
Well, yes, that's what I had hoped –
MR. MCCARTNEY
Great! We can start right away! Come 'ead!
EXT. PARKING LOT — DAY
MR. LENNON
Right then, where shall we begin?
MR. MCCARTNEY
Oh, hey, I've got an idear!… Why don't we d-do –
MR. LENNON gives MR. MCCARTNEY a look.
MR. LENNON (sternly)
We've been through this, Paul.
MR. MCCARTNEY (sheepishly)
Sorry.
EXT. STREET — DAY
MR. MCCARTNEY (enthusiastically)
Ey, look at you! Yer doin' great!
JENNY
It's understood.
MR. LENNON
Right, now we take a left turn up here… good… now we just keep going straight past those lights there…
MR. MCCARTNEY
Ahh! Look out! Helter skelter!
The car swerves to avoid the slide in the middle of the road.
MR. LENNON
Well, that certainly was close, wasn't it?
MR. MCCARTNEY
You know, John, that reminds me, I've got this song I've been workin' on, which funnily enough, has nothing to do with helter skelters –
MR. LENNON
Yeah? Well then, let's hear it!
MR. MCCARTNEY
Well, you know, I –
Suddenly, the car is hit by oncoming traffic.
MR. LENNON
Ey! Wot was that?
ANGRY DRIVER approaches the vehicle.
ANGRY DRIVER
What were you doing?! It was a red light! Look what you've done!
MR. MCCARTNEY
Sorry we 'urt your car, mister. I guess she didn't notice that the lights had changed.
JENNY
Lights? What lights?
MR. LENNON (cheekily)
Oh yeah, I guess we should've told 'er 'bout those, eh Paulie?
EXT. ROCK 'N' ROLL DRIVING SCHOOL — DAY
MR. CLAPTON (even more apologetically, upbeat)
Once again, we are terribly, terribly sorry about what happened. But we do have some more instructors who really know their stuff!
JENNY (even more skeptically)
Sure…
MR. CLAPTON
Oh, and here they come!
A group of four men approach them.
MR. SAVAGE (hopefully)
Hey, you're here for driving lessons?
JENNY (resignedly)
I guess so…
MR. CLARK (reassuringly)
Hey, don't look so down! We're not like those other guys, we know what we're doing!
JENNY
Well, all right…
MR. COLLEN
Now then, driving a car is simple. We even came up with a little song that helps us remember the hard stuff! Hit it, Joe!
MR. ELLIOTT (sings passionately)
Red light, yellow light, green light — go!
MR. CLARK
See? It's simple! Now come on, let's go!
MR. SAVAGE
Wait, where's Rick?
Another man joins them.
MR. ALLEN (cheerfully)
Hey guys!
MR. ELLIOTT (pumped up)
All right, let's get rocked!
The instructors head towards the car, but JENNY stops.
MR. COLLEN (obliviously)
What is it? What's wrong?
JENNY
Uh, you know… I just remembered, I have, uh, I have an appointment — yeah! — I guess I'll just have to come back another day and… uh… bye!
JENNY leaves.
MR. ALLEN throws his arm up in the air.
MR. ALLEN
You know, I really don't know why this happens all the time.