Or "How They Got Joe Perry On 'American Idol'"
"You're tardy," I said.
"I don't feel tardy," he said, "and I did say about eleven o'clock, not exactly eleven o'clock." I rolled my eyes. "So, what'll it be?" he asked.
"Well, what've you got?"
"Every flavour, and they're all gua-ran-tee-ee-EE-ee-EED to satis…uh-fyyyy."
"Mmm… I bet you don't have pound cake."
"Well, that's a bet you're going to loose!" he said as he produced a scoop of pound cake ice cream.
"Impressive," I nodded.
"Yeah, it's a long loosed recipe." He slammed the freezer door shut.
"Careful," I said, "or you'll loose your hand!"
"Ah, don't loose your head. This thing couldn't hurt a monkey! See? — OWWWW!"
"Dave! Oh, shit! Look at your hand! Oh, shit!"
"Nah, nah, I'm fine. Look, being an ice cream man is a tough job, you know? You've gotta gotta bleed for it, baby."
"I had no idea it was such a dangerous career."
"And — what the hell? — I had no idea you would put such blatant song references in my dialogue! That hardly sounded like a natural remark."
"Wait, you're talking to me about being blatant? Ha!"
"Well, you coulda at least had me say 'somebody get me a doctor'!"
"Pfft, too cliché."
"Whatever, I'm out of here," he said, walking off the set.
"But we haven't finished the 'loose' bit yet!"
"Get Sammy Hagar to do the 'loose' bit, see if I care!"
"But you lost your fucking hand!"
"Don't you mean I 'loosed' it?"
"Well, I –"
"Look, I got no time to mess around."
"Daaave! Nooo! It's the line before that! 'You know I loosed a lot of friends there, baby…', right, yes?"
"Yeah, now I ain't got nobody."
"You've got me… babe."
Dave stopped. ""…Really?" he asked hopefully.
I smiled. "You really got me."
"Aww, well all right, then!" Dave grinned and skipped back to the set.
"You know… I'm really not feeling this 'loose' thing anymore," I said.
"Yeah, me neither…" Dave grinned. "Well, what do you suggest we do, then?"
"Hmm… weeell, there is one thing we could do…"
"Oh yeah?"
"Well, I don't know…" I said uncertainly, "it's kind of, well… I mean, you might not want — "
"Now look, whatever you want to do… is just fine with me," Dave smiled.
"Really?" My eyes lit up. "Great! Now, wait, stand right over here…"
"Here?"
"Yeah, that's it… a little more to the right… good. Now, wait, hold it!" I turned away and yelled, "where's Sanjaya? Get him over here! Come on! And make sure you get all his hair in the shot this time, too. Great. The camera loves you, babe."
"Wait, what?"