Everybody's hollerin' 'bout their own birthday
Okay, screw it. I'm back, I'm back!
It just so occurred to me when I saw my first birthday greeting of the day — a nice automatically generated one from my local radio station — that it's my fucking birthday! Suddenly, my recent nightly ritual of reading a chapter of my Pattie Boyd book and fantasizing about Van Halen but instead becoming constantly sidetracked by other thoughts and eventually falling asleep didn't seem all that exciting.
It just so occurred to me that I just finished watching "Sextette", one of the terrible movies I got for Christmas, but this one was a step above most of the others for it was actually officially released on DVD, you see. It just so happened that my third reason for wanting to see this movie, Alice Cooper, just so happened to appear quite late in the movie, which luckily gave me a reason for continuing to watch it after Ringo and Keith had left, and he probably appeared right around the time the clock stuck twelve.
And Alice Cooper, ladies and gentlemen, was the one who sang "I'm Eighteen", which I damn well am! Okay, well, not until later today, but close enough. And I'd grown so fond of Winger's "Seventeen"! But it just won't be the same anymore; sniff. Nor will Styx's "Jennifer", about the seventeen year old girl of my namesake. And "I Saw Her Standing There"! Gasp! I feel like I should go and stand somewhere and be seen! And drink some very good beer and listen to Queen! How much I've missed! I've only got… less than six hours! Because God knows I'll be too busy buying lottery tickets and doing pornos after that that I won't have any time for anything else!
Where the hell is everybody!? I want a fucking party and there's no one around!
"We can't put the camera down your pants!" You know, that's the thing these movies are good for, they're so quotable! "Churches! Churches! Liquor stores!"
Oh, and fuck, I only have a few hours to come up with and execute an elaborate murder plot! But wait, if I commit the murder while I'm seventeen, but I go to court when I'm eighteen… is it the kid's court for me or what? Good job law class, leaving out the fucking details!
But wait! Websites! Yes! I can sign up for websites now! Oh, how I've been waiting so long to get on the internet!
So really, all in all, I'm leaving some nice things behind, but there's much more I can do now! I can also set into motion my plan of getting into the Book of World Records for the most number of marriages, seeing as my parents didn't exactly approve of my idea when I was seventeen… I just need to get a credit card — which I now can! — and register marryjenny.com. Oh, this is going to be sweet!
But you know, I'm not just jumping into all this without thinking, oh no. I've realized there's the whole sticky issue of consummation, and well, I haven't decided how that's going to work yet. Maybe just the most weddings? A wedding without a marriage is possible, I guess. But then I think, hey, what if this gets really big and it becomes like the past time of a nation to marry Jenny? And everyone will want to marry me, including celebrities! And like, since Eddie's single again and all now, I might have to make an exception, y'know!
Boy oh boy! What a wonderful life this will be!