I happened upon the Wikiquote "Famous Last Words" page awhile ago, and as I was cleaning out my My Documents after it was massacred by about a trillion random yearbook files, I found I had saved a few funny ones to a text file. So, here they are, since they're doing no one any good sitting in that text file.
Now why did I do that?
General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal
Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'!
James French (convicted murderer sentenced to the electric chair), said to members of the press who were to witness his execution
Das ist absurd! Das ist absurd! (Translation: This is absurd! This is absurd!)
Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
Nobody shot me.
Frank "Tight Lips" Gusenberg (American mobster), in response to a police officer who asked "Who shot you?"
I am dying. Please… bring me a toothpick.
Alfred Jarry (absurdist writer)
This isn't Hamlet, you know. It's not meant to go into the bloody ear.
Laurence Olivier (actor), when a nurse, attempting to moisten his lips, misaimed
All right then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick.
Lope de Vega (playright), on being assured that the end was very near
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Francisco "Pancho" Villa (Mexican Revolutionary general)
Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (philosopher), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan (attributed)
Why, yes, a bulletproof vest.
Domonic Willard (soldier during Prohibition), just before his death by firing squad, he was asked if he had any last requests