Written by
Jenny
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO – DAY
INTERVIEWER
Welcome to the show, Gene. It’s an honour to have you here today.
GENE
It’s my pleasure. And might I say, you are a powerful and attractive woman.
INTERVIEWER
Why, ah, thank you… I, I appreciate that. But this interview is all about you. So Gene, what have you been up to?
GENE
Oh, you know: same old, same old.
GENE grins.
INTERVIEWER
You’ve been quite a success in the past.
GENE
What do you mean, “been”? I am a success.
INTERVIEWER
Why, yes, excuse me.
Gene nods calmly.
GENE
That’s alright, go on.
INTERVIEWER
Thank you. As I was saying, you have had continued success throughout your career. And not just in music either: merchandising, television, books… the list goes on and on. But there is one glaring mark on an otherwise perfect record. You, of course, know what I’m referring to?
GENE
No, I can honestly say I don’t.
INTERVIEWER
Surely, you must.
GENE
I have never had a failure in my entire career.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I’m sorry I had to be the one to break this to you, Gene, but… do the words “KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park” ring a bell?
GENE
Of course, but I don’t see why that’s relevant.
INTERVIEWER
So, let me get this straight: you’re saying “Phantom of the Park” wasn’t a failure?
GENE
Yes, and not only that, I’m saying “Phantom of the Park” was a success.
INTERVIEWER
(amused)
Would you care to expand on that thought?
Gene turns to the camera, raises his eyebrows, and smiles.
CUT TO BLACK
TITLES
INT. OFFICE – DAY
JENNY is standing behind a desk, ordering people (off-screen) around.
JENNY
Kathy, hold my calls! — Johnson! I want those papers finished by three o’clock, not three-oh-two! — Rogers, we need the year-end reports from finance, stat! — And Peterson!
Jenny bangs her fist on the desk.
JENNY
(cont’d)
Where is my damn coffee!?
Jenny takes a deep breath, falls back into the office chair, and exhales. She puts her hands behind her head and slowly lifts her feet onto the desk. Jenny perks up as the door begins to open. She jumps up, races around to the other side of the desk, and sits down quickly. She pats her hair and adjusts her clothing guiltily. MANAGER opens the door and then turns back outside.
MANAGER
Peterson. The coffee?
PETERSON (O.S.)
I’ll get right on, sir.
MANAGER
See that you do.
Manager closes the door and settles down behind his desk. He clears his throat and smiles broadly at Jenny.
MANAGER
(cont’d)
Jenny, congratulations: you’ve been selected as project manager for our next restoration.
JENNY
Really? Oh, that’s fantastic!
MANAGER
I think you’ll really enjoy it –
JENNY
Oh, of course!
MANAGER
– but you need to understand, it’s going to be a lot of work and we’ve already had several others turn this project d –
JENNY
Ohh, don’t you worry, I’m fully capable of whatev –
MANAGER
Yes, I’m aware of that, but I think you’ll want to hear a little more about the project before you –
JENNY
I would be honoured to lead this project. I absolutely accept!
Manager opens his mouth to speak, but hesitates for a moment. He closes his mouth and gives Jenny a pitying look.
MANAGER
Well, I guess all I can say to you now is… good luck.
Manager offers Jenny a thick manila envelope with one hand and a handshake with the other. Jenny accepts both.
JENNY
Oh, thank you, sir, thank you! I just know I’ll make you proud.
Jenny steps back and continues to grin.
MANAGER
Yes, well…
Manager clears his throat.
MANAGER
(cont’d)
That will be all.
Jenny gets the hint.
JENNY
Oh, uh…
Jenny nods and starts backing away, still smiling.
JENNY
(cont’d)
Thank you once again, sir, I just, I can’t tell you what an honour this is, I really appreciate it, uh…
Manager nods and smiles, but waves her away impatiently. Jenny bows her head and smiles as she ducks out the door.
INT. OUTSIDE MANAGER’S OFFICE – CONTINUING
JENNY
Allllright, let’s see what we’ve got here…
Jenny tears open the package and removed an aged VHS tape that reads “KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park”.
Jenny looks up doubtfully.
EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO – DAY – LATER
Jenny is walking quickly through the streets of a busy city, talking on her cell phone.
JENNY
Hello… Mr. Simmons?
GENE
(filtered)
This is he.
JENNY
Hi, this is Jenny from Rewind Film Studios. I’m calling about the “Phantom of the Park” project and –
GENE
(filtered)
Ah, yes, I was expecting you, Jenny.
JENNY
You were? Who…? — Did Mr. Pickelson already call you?
GENE
(filtered)
Never mind Mr. Pickelson. We need to get started on this project right away.
JENNY
Umm, right.
GENE
(filtered)
How does lunch sound?
JENNY
Today…?
Jenny looks at her watch dubiously: it’s almost 3:00.
JENNY
(cont’d)
About three hours too late.
GENE
(filtered)
Ah, that’s right, you must be on the east coast!
Jenny puts her head in her hands; she hadn’t realized Gene would be in California. She mutters an obligatory “fuck” to secure a PG-13 rating.
GENE
(filtered; cont’d)
Well, that won’t be a problem.
JENNY
Uh –
GENE
(filtered)
Don’t tell me you haven’t seen the film yet!
JENNY
Well, of course, but –
GENE
(filtered)
Listen, just give me a minute to call Ace; we’ll teleport over there and pick you up.
Jenny stops at a crosswalk.
JENNY
Uhh…
Suddenly, Jenny catches on and laughs softly to herself.
JENNY
(cont’d)
Boy, that was a good one, Mr. Simmons.
GENE
(filtered)
I really had you there, didn’t I?
Jenny shakes her head and grins as she steps off the curb to cross the street. She almost thought this was going to be an unrealistic story!
INT. CAFÉ – DAY
GENE
Alright, lay it on me, what are you thinking?
JENNY
The basic plan is to restore the movie to the absolute highest quality possible. That means high-screen, wide-definition, the whole deal –
Gene is not impressed.
GENE
Mm-hmm. And what are you doing to make it a success?
JENNY
It’s going to be part of a collection of rock music themed movies we’re planning to release by the end of the year. Of course, we have commercials and radio spots in production –
GENE
No no. That’s not what I mean; you’re not thinking big enough. This isn’t “just another movie”. You could have something really big with this film — you’ve got a brand I’ve worked to perfect over the past thirty-five years on your hands, and you’re just going to throw that away.
JENNY
Well, I –
GENE
Listen, it’s not often you come across this great of an opportunity, and to not take advantage of it is foolish.
JENNY
Then what do you suggest we do?
GENE
That’s your job, not mine. You’ve got to think outside of the box. Right now, you’re just doing what needs to be done to get done so you can move onto another movie and give the same shitty treatment to it.
JENNY
Ah — hey! –
GENE
Now I’m sure you do a fine job restoring these films, but what good is a product without promotion? You’ve got the power to do something great with a brand like this. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about here. Do you see where I’m going?
Jenny nods reluctantly.
GENE
(cont’d)
So run some ideas by me. How are you going to promote this film?
JENNY
Well… I suppose we could schedule some appearances –
GENE
Outside of the box, remember?
JENNY
Right right… hmm… Wait, I’ve got it!
GENE
No, you don’t. This is only your second idea. You can’t possibly make a remark like that until the third time through. Nice try though. Next.
JENNY
Well, why don’t we spread a rumour that the movie contained the first ever occurrence of a cyborg suicide caught on film? Yeah! We could send it through an email forward — that’s the fastest way of getting misinformation out to the public!
GENE
And don’t forget Facebook groups.
Jenny gets out a clicky pen and starts jotting down notes.
JENNY
Alright, so should we start with the cyborg rights issue or end with it? And we’ll need to get a research team to find the optimal number of requested forwards to ensure maximum distribution, and maybe throw in a key combination that’ll show a trailer…
GENE
Now hang on a minute — you’re not thinking this through. While technology is a good medium for getting the word out, it can also help to thwart our attempts. People aren’t going to go out and buy the film when they can see the clip on YouTube for free.
JENNY
Mm, that’s true.
GENE
You’ve got to think bigger than that!
JENNY
Bigger? Well, honestly, there’s a bit of a limit on how far we can go. This movie doesn’t exactly appeal to a large audience.
GENE
So make it.
JENNY
What?
GENE
Make it appeal to a larger audience.
JENNY
And how am I supposed to do that? You want a larger audience, well, you need a better movie. New script, new director, new actors… hell, we should just put the thing back in the can and start from scratch!
GENE
Well, why not?
JENNY
What!?
GENE
Now hold on. Making a new movie is beyond our means — but new movies have larger audiences than old movies, correct?
JENNY
Of course.
GENE
And after all, this movie is new to most people. So why should we treat it like any old movie?
JENNY
So you’re saying… we should treat it like a new movie?
Gene smiles. Jenny has an epiphany.
JENNY
Of course! Parody films are huge these days! We’ll pitch it as a satire, a parody of cheesy ’70s films… a, a… “Retro Movie”! The corny fight scenes, the special effects, the disco beat… it’s the quintessential ’70s B-movie!
Gene turns to the camera.
GENE
I think she’s got it.
Jenny stands up excitedly.
JENNY
Hell, we don’t even need to restore it! It’s already got the vintage look — why spend time and money restoring the movie when we can skew it as a feature? This thing could be in theatres tomorrow!
Jenny bangs her fist on the table and grins.
GENE
Hang on, you’re getting ahead of yourself. This film was seen by thousands of fans when it was first released. Despite your constant reminders of how, ahem, “terrible” the film was, it was still popular.
JENNY
Well, doesn’t the old saying about the ’60s apply to the ’70s as well? “If you remember it, you weren’t really there?” And besides, I’m sure a large majority of those people tried to block the movie from their memories anyway.
GENE
I’ll have to agree with you on that, but we still need insurance. We need to get rid of any trace of the film’s previous existence. If we can do that, no one will believe the few crackpots who claim –
JENNY
And are willing to admit –
GENE
– to have seen it in the ’70s.
JENNY
So you’re suggesting we change history? And I suppose you have an idea about how we’re going to do that too.
GENE
Come on now, I can’t do all the work here. Think: where is history kept?
Jenny thinks for a moment, then responds:
JENNY
That’s going to require an awful lot of time and white-out, sir.
Gene scoffs at her naivety.
GENE
You know very well that history is changed much easier than that.
Jenny looks at him doubtfully.
GENE
(cont’d)
I’ll give you a hint: it’s free and anyone can edit it.
Jenny’s eyes widen.
INT. COMPUTER LAB – DAY
A room full of people are working at computers. Jenny walks around them, holding a clipboard, looking important.
JENNY
Kathy, are the results from the Wikipedia vote back yet?
KATHY
It was a landslide: 26 to 2! The non-notability nazis were out in force today.
JENNY
I knew we could rely on them. — Alright, Rogers, how are you doing with YouTube?
ROGERS
It’s going well: YouTube has removed nearly all of the clips from the movie since receiving the takedown notice.
Jenny looks around the room.
JENNY
Who’s on eBay? Johnson?
JOHNSON
We’ve bought up all the copies we could find and we’re constantly monitoring for new ones.
JENNY
I don’t remember budgeting for that — how much did it cost you?
JOHNSON
Pfft, don’t worry about it — you’d be hard-pressed to find one that wasn’t a “one-cent sale”.
JENNY
What about the fan sites? How are we getting rid of them?
PETERSON
We’ve got a team of hackers working ’round the clock to remove any mention of the movie from old Geocities and Tripod sites.
JENNY
What’s the current GRN?
PETERSON
We’re down to 23 on Google and 36 on Yahoo.
VOICE (O.S.)
22!
The people in the room cheer.
JENNY
And the torrents? Have we gotten rid of them yet?
PETERSON laughs.
PETERSON
Are you kidding? You think there were torrents?
Jenny’s cell phone rings. She answers it.
JENNY
Hello?
GENE
(filtered; pleased)
Jenny…
INT. GENE’S LAIR – DAY
Gene is sitting in a dark room filled with large screens displaying various websites.
GENE
(cont’d)
Things are going well I see.
JENNY
(filtered)
Oh yes, very well! Our people are getting things taken down faster than the Scientologists! Actually, we got a call from the RIAA hoping to hire some of –
Jenny continues talking in the background as Gene smiles at the rapidly changing screens doing highly graphical operations that computers wouldn’t normally do. Gene nods.
GENE
That’s great. Have we started on promotions yet?
JENNY
(filtered)
We’re set to start premiering the commercials next week. The preview audiences reacted quite favourably and no one has come close to catching on.
GENE
And the actors? What about them?
JENNY
(filtered)
We’ve found lookalikes to pose as the girl and her boyfriend — struggling actors, unknowns — they signed without hesitation, of course; they’ll be on the cover of every teen magazine in America in a month. And of course, hiring actors for the band members was no problem, considering the make-up…
Jenny once again continues to chatter on in the background.
GENE
Good… very good… everything seems to be going according to plan… yes… yesss…
Gene nods and smiles.
He begins to laugh softly.
He throws his head back and laughs maniacally.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE – NIGHT
SUPER – FOUR MONTHS LATER
Outside of the film premiere, the streets are filled with fans, reporters, and celebrities. Girls are screaming, cameras are flashing, general celebrity-inspired chaos ensues.
REPORTER
What challenges did you face in playing the role of ‘Starchild’?
OWEN WILSON
Oh, well, he’s a very complex character. It really took some time to perfect my laser-shooting abilities. Pew-pew-pew!
CUT TO:
REPORTER
There’s a rumour that you got a tongue graft for the part.
BEN STILLER
That’s a lie, a damn lie! It’s absolutely ridi –
BEN spits out half a tongue.
CUT TO:
REPORTER
Didn’t you find the script a bit… unrealistic?
WILL FERRELL
No, of course not, not at all — wait, are you saying you haven’t battled your own robot clone?
CUT TO:
REPORTER
Some reviewers have called your films “a mockery of human decency” — what do you think of them?
STEVE CARELL
I think my films great, otherwise I wouldn’t be in them!
CUT TO:
JENNY
Well, Gene. It looks like we’ve done it. We’re set to make $100 million on opening week alone. I can’t believe it.
Gene smiles.
GENE
I can.
JENNY
Oh?
GENE
Yep. You know why?
JENNY
Because you’re a powerful and attractive man?
GENE
No, but that’s an excellent observation.
A REPORTER runs up to them.
REPORTER
Gene, Gene! There have been allegations that this movie is merely a re-release of a failed film from the ’70s. What do you have to say to that?
GENE
That’s ridiculous. I have never had a failure in my entire career.
The reporter chuckles.
REPORTER
Oh really? Do the words “The Elder” ring a bell?
Gene turns to Jenny, raises his eyebrows, and smiles. Jenny scowls at him.