I don’t at all like doing these whiny posts, because I look back at them at think what a whiner I was. But… I’m doing it.
I don’t know if “hate” is the right word, or even “dislike”, but in the best terms that you’ll be able to understand it: I hate food.
I can’t at all understand how some people find eating food “enjoyable”. Sure, some foods taste good. Junk food. I don’t mind eating that. But most other food seems like a chore to eat. If I didn’t have to eat, I wouldn’t, but when my stomach’s rumbling and I feel like curling up in a ball, I know I need to get something in me.
I’ve never had variety in what I eat. All through school it was chocolate milk and jam sandwich in the morning, juice and jam sandwich and a granola bar and various unhealthy snacks for lunch, and chicken fingers or hot dogs for dinner. On weekends I might have cereal or pancakes or eggs, but since I don’t get up until 11:00 some days, it’s my lunch and I don’t have a breakfast.
For some time, I didn’t at all eat hot dogs for dinner. Probably heard someone talking about how gross they are and it turned me off for awhile. Now at university, I eat a different kind of chicken fingers for dinner and the ones at home are absolutely disgusting to me, so now I only eat hot dogs when I’m there. If I remember to eat at all.
I really don’t have any sort of solid schedule like I did when I was in high school. I eat when I’m hungry, not when it’s 7:40, 11:20, and 5:00.
And what should be wrong with that, eating when you’re hungry? I get wrapped up in doing things and sometimes just forget to eat. And sometimes I don’t get hungry for long periods of time. There’s no sense in eating when I’m not hungry, obviously, but a girl needs to eat!
Plus the fact that I have to go down (and back up) four flights of stairs every time I want to eat here at university. It’s really not a big deal to me anymore, but I might feel a little hungry and then ask myself “well, is it really worth it? Am I really that hungry?”.
Which, you know, isn’t all that good for me, but I could see this working amazingly well for people who want to go on a diet. Separate yourself and your only food source with exercise: “do I really want food that much?”. I think it would work quite well, plus, if you do want food, you have to exercise to get it. It’s quite genius, really. Only thing is, with my name being Jenny, I can’t really get into the dieting business.
And I know how much this all must sound like I have an eating disorder. Right off, if someone hates food, obviously they have an eating disorder!
I. Don’t. I definitely don’t. I’ve always been fairly skinny and I’ve never cared all that much about my appearance, especially my body. I don’t exercise, I don’t wear makeup, I don’t do anything to make myself look good, why would I want to diet? I know I’m skinny, and skinnier than I need to be. If anything, I’d want to have a little more fat on me so maybe I’d have some boobs. But these aren’t things I think about, I don’t obsess over my weight, what I look like, what I can fit into. I don’t know my size, I don’t (normally) know my weight.
It used to be around 110-120 when I was in high school, if I remember correctly. I think 112 was where it lingered. Since going to university, I’ve seen it go down quite a bit. 108, 107. After reading week at home, it went back up to 109.
The only reason I’ve become concerned, and thus am writing this post, is because today it was 103.
One-oh-three. What the fuck kinda weight is that!? Now granted, I ate very very little this weekend. Pancakes for breakfast Saturday and Sunday (and only half as much on Sunday), ice cream and yogurt Saturday night, jam sandwich on Sunday, and (after I weighed myself) (3/4s of) a steak on Sunday.
I don’t like feeling weak and having to lie down on my bed every once in awhile. I don’t like seeing a 103 on the scale. This really sucks. But what can I do? I hate food. I just don’t like eating. There is very little I will eat, and I do try new stuff, but nothing every seems to stick.
If only I was tall and pretty, I could be a model. No pressure to lose weight.