I went to the doctor’s yesterday to get the results from my blood work. He went through the report, “vitamin D… normal… vitamin this… normal… vitamin that… normal…”.
The pessimist in me kept waiting for the “buuuuut”, but the normal person in me knew that people don’t do that to other people. If something was wrong, he would have said it right out, not tried to trick me into believing I was healthy and then delivering some terrible news. This is not a Cyanide & Happiness comic.
Everything was fine — healthy even, with my cholesterol and whatnot numbers being quite good — except I need more iron.
So… great! I’m perfectly healthy. That’s what I wanted to hear, right?
…Not entirely. Part of me wanted him to say “well, you have a terrible vitamin whatever deficiency and you need to do this to fix it and you’ll be fine in a couple of weeks”.
Saying I’m healthy is all fine and well and I’m glad for it. But it doesn’t tell me how to fix it, because I certainly don’t feel healthy.
“There is no medical reason” for my feeling this way. Part of me knew that all along, but I guess there was still part of me hoping someone could tell me how to fix it, tell me that it isn’t “just me”.
I don’t like to prepare food, I don’t like to eat food. I don’t enjoy it, so I don’t feel it’s worth all the trouble that food preparation entails. Maybe my body’s trying to remind me, “hey! You eat so I can move around and do shit, not for enjoyment!”.
I’ve been doing yoga for the past three days, an hour a day. The first day, I had to stop the tape (technically DVD, but I really prefer saying “tape”) every few minutes to either rest or cry about how unhealthy I am that I can’t even hold my arms out for two minutes without feeling pain. I don’t know if it’s helping any, but it’s giving me a bit more of a routine (which I desperately need) and supposedly it’s a good kind of exercise for people who are underweight.
For some time, I didn’t get cravings for anything at all. Now, if I even think of a food, I’ll go and make it as quick as I can in case the thought is trying to become a craving. I like to think this helps me get the food down a little easier.
I still get terrible stomach pains if I haven’t eaten for awhile. I’ve found I like saying aten better than eaten.
My mind/body isn’t going “oh no! Food!” every time I make something to eat. It used to be this cycle of “hey! I’m hungry!” so I’d get some food and then my body would go “ohhhh ohhh… no room in here, uh-uh!”. It’s not doing that anymore, which makes it a heckuva lot easier to eat.
I don’t like to go out anywhere because after an hour or so, I start to get tired. This, I suppose, is what the yoga’s supposed to help with, since I don’t do any sort of slightly strenuous activity at all anymore. I’m getting better with going outside, because yesterday I went to the doctor’s and then to the mall (with my dad, on his motorcycle, to get “The Sims 3″… which I have previously never played…) and I didn’t feel bad.
I just love A&W burgers. Like, whenever I came home from university for the weekend, my dad would ask where I wanted to go for supper and I always wanted an A&W burger. We went by one in the mall and, a fleeting thought, I totally could have aten one, even though it was kind of early for supper.
I like to grab a drink sometimes when I’m actually hungry but I’m too lazy to make anything and/or don’t know what I want — my options are pretty limited.
The first time I went to the doctor’s, he suggested I make an appointment with the nutritionist. At first I was like ehhh but I said sure. Then a few days ago, I realized it would be silly to go to a nutritionist. What can they possibly tell me? I don’t eat anything because I don’t like anything.
A complete list of all the food in my house that I will get/make for myself and eat
- Cereal (Froot Loops, Honey Nut Cheerios)
- Pancakes
- Eggs (scrambled)
- Sandwich (jam, PB&J, PB & brown sugar, baloney)
- Toast (jam)
- Hot dogs
- Granola bar
- Cookies (Oreos, Viva Puffs, “baby cookies”)
- Rice Krispie square
- Thinsations
- Gushers
- Chocolate bars
- Popsicles
- Ice cream
- Cheesecake
- Grapes
- Cheese
A complete list of all the food in my house that someone else will make and I will eat (sometimes)
- Cheeseburger
- Steak
- Potatoes
- Garlic bread
- Ham
A complete list of all the food I will eat at local restaurants
- Wendy’s cheeseburger (just ketchup)
- A&W Mama burger (just ketchup)
- Lick’s hot dog (just ketchup)
- Swiss Chalet chicken strips
- Pizza-Pizza pizza (just pepperoni)
- Pizza Hut pizza or spaghetti and garlic bread
- Boston Pizza pizza (just pepperoni)
So there you have it. Those are all of my options for food. It may look like a lot written out, but compare my list to any other person’s list and theirs will undoubtedly be many times the size of mine.
This is part of the problem. You get sick of eating the same things over and over. I do try other things occasionally, but the other things I’ve tried, I haven’t liked. Lately, if someone offers me something, I’ll try it, because damn it, I need a new food! My dad offered me a piece of watermelon, and I must admit, it was not as bad as I thought it would be. But when I don’t enjoy eating things that taste good, if it’s not worth it to me to go and eat these things — why would I put any effort into obtaining something that tastes less than good?