If it wasn’t for bad luck
I wouldn’t have no luck at all
William Bell/Booker T. Jones (“Born Under A Bad Sign” – Cream)
Oh, if there’s one thing I hang onto
That gets me through the night
I ain’t gonna do what I don’t want to
I’m gonna live my life
Jon Bon Jovi/Richie Samboura (“Have A Nice Day” – Bon Jovi)
You start a conversation you can’t even finish it
You’re talkin’ a lot, but you’re not sayin’ anything
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
Say something once, why say it again?
David Byrne (“Psycho Killer” – The Talking Heads)
What I do I do my way or it won’t be done at all
Little girl, can you hear what I say?
Yeah, I’m an easy-going guy, but I always gotta have my way
Eddie Cochran/Jerry Capehart (“My Way” – The Who)
They say you need love to love
Gotta have love to love
They all say it works that way, but if it’s true
Why do I love you?
Neil Diamond (“Love To Love” – The Monkees)
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is to see you
Bob Dylan (“Positively Fourth Street”)
The slow one now will later be fast
As the present now will later be past
Bob Dylan (“The Times They Are A-Changin’”)
Everything I know is what I need to know
Everything I do’s been done before
Every sentence in my head
Someone else has said
At each end of my life is an open door
John Entwistle (“905″ – The Who)
I ain’t never had time
For words that don’t rhyme
My head is in a cloud
I ain’t quiet, everybody else is too loud
John Entwistle (“The Quiet One” – The Who)
It’s easy to live in your imagination
If you can’t control the situation
You just cut and start it again
John Entwistle (“Too Late The Hero”)
For just an illusion, I traded love that was real
Gerry Goffin, Carole King (“A Man Without A Dream” – The Monkees)
Now the darkness only stays the night-time
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time
It’s not always going to be this grey
George Harrison (“All Things Must Pass”)
Some things take so long
But how do I explain
When not too many people
Can see we’re all the same?
George Harrison (“Isn’t It A Pity”)
I would have liked to know you, but I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did
Elton John (“Candle in the Wind”)
You think you know me, but you haven’t got a clue
John Lennon (“Hey Bulldog” – The Beatles)
You wanna save humanity, but it’s people that you just can’t stand
John Lennon (“I Don’t Wanna Face It”)
Imagine all the people living for today
John Lennon (“Imagine”)
Living is easy with eyes closed
Misunderstanding all you see
John Lennon (“Strawberry Fields Forever” – The Beatles)
I thought the only lonely place was on the moon
Paul McCartney (“Jet”)
C’mon people, don’t ya look so down
You know the rain man’s comin’ to town
Change the weather, change your luck
And then he’ll teach ya how ta find yourself
Jim Morrison (“L’America” – The Doors)
I need a brand new friend who doesn’t bother me
I need a brand new friend who doesn’t trouble me
I need someone, yeah, who doesn’t need me
Jim Morrison (“Hyacinth House” – The Doors)
You said I must eat so many lemons
‘Cause I am so bitter
I said I’d rather be with your friends, mate
‘Cause they are much fitter
Kate Nash (“Foundations”)
So I move along to the next thing on the list
Knowing full well that some of them just don’t exist
Michael Nesmith (“The Crippled Lion” – The Monkees)
Take from the past what you need
To give to the new life you lead
Michael Nesmith (“In the Afternoon”)
It’s only a whimsical notion
To fly down to Rio tonight
And I probably won’t fly down to Rio
But, then again, I just might
Michael Nesmith (“Rio”)
Well, I hope you finally got my letter
It should have come about this time last year
Michael Nesmith (“Writing Wrongs” – The Monkees)
Well, I don’t like to quarrel
But what about tomorrow?
Will it be the same as the past?
I keep on hopin’
That something will happen
And I hope that it happens fast
Michael Nesmith (“Mama Nantucket”)
It’s only sane to be insane
Yoko Ono (“O’ Sanity”)
There’s a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
‘Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings
Jimmy Page/Robert Plant (“Stairway to Heaven” – Led Zeppelin)
And if I say to you tomorrow
“Take my hand, child, come with me”
It’s to a castle I will take you
Where what’s to be they say will be
Robert Plant (“What Is And What Should Never Be” – Led Zeppelin)
Thinking how it used to be
Does she still remember times like these?
To think of us again
And I do
Jimmy Page (“Tangerine” – Led Zeppelin)
If you choose not to decide
You still have made a choice
Neil Peart (“Free Will” – Rush)
When it came to a superstar, Jenny was a braggart
Spread it all around to everyone in town that she once had Mick Jagger
There’s no doubt, when the truth comes out, true love will over conquer
She didn’t get Mick, but she got a kick and a black eye from Bianca
Neil Sedaka (“The Queen of 1964″)
Everywhere you look is lovely
If love is what you choose to see
Ringo Starr (“I Think Therefore I Rock ‘N Roll”)
So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
‘Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
Jim Steinman (“Paradise by the Dashboard Light” – Meat Loaf)
The distance which I keep
Has entered into play
Miles which make me say
I won’t be seeing you
Richard Stekol (“Wax Minute” – Michael Nesmith)
Don’t you get embarrassed when you think about the way you were
Yesterday, the day before, when you were young with much to learn?
Pete Townshend (“Cry If You Want” – The Who)
This could be suffering
This could be pleasure
I’m unaware of any difference
Pete Townshend (“Daily Records” – The Who)
Deal me another hand, Lord, this one’s very hard
Pete Townshend (“It’s Hard” – The Who)
You hold the gun and I hold the wound
Pete Townshend (“Naked Eye” – The Who)
You need a new song
I’ll set the words up so they tear right at your soul
Don’t take me too long
But there’s a danger that I’ll plagiarize something old
Pete Townshend (“New Song” – The Who)
I asked my dad where Lily I could find
He said, “Son, now don’t be silly
She’s been dead since 1929″
Oh, how I cried that night
If only I’d been born in Lily’s time
It would have been alright
Pete Townshend (“Pictures of Lily” – The Who)
George Harrison: Aye, but don’t rush. None of your five bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.
Paul McCartney: What’s that supposed to mean?
George Harrison: I don’t know, I thought it just sounded distinguished-like.
A Hard Day’s Night
Paul McCartney: He’s probably in the middle of some orgy by now!
Other Beatles: ORGY!?
Old Man: B-b-b-but, what about me?
John Lennon: You’re too old!
A Hard Day’s Night
“Famous people are just more interesting.”
Penny Lane (Almost Famous)
Russell Hammond: And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were… I’m on drugs!
William Miller: Russell! I think we should work on those last words!
Russell Hammond: I got it, I got it. Last words: I dig music.
[a few claps]
Russell Hammond: …I’m on drugs!
“If you think that Mick Jagger will still be doing the whole rock star thing at age fifty, well, then, you are sorely, sorely mistaken.”
Dennis Hope (Almost Famous)
Annette Funicello: Troy, do you surf?
Troy: Do I surf? Ha ha ha! Do I surf? I’m sure! Does Dolly Parton float? Does Oprah Winfrey eat? Does Michael Jackson have flammable hair?
Back to the Beach
Bill: Socrates… hey, we know that name!
Ted: Hey, look him up! …Oh, it’s under “so crates”.
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
“My name’s Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump”
Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
Forrest Gump: In the land of China, people hardly got nothing at all.
John Lennon: No possessions?
Forrest Gump: And in China they never go to church.
John Lennon: No religion too?
Dick Cavett: Ah. Hard to imagine.
John Lennon: Well, it’s easy if you try, Dick.
Jenny Curran: His name’s Forrest.
Forrest Gump: Like me.
Jenny Curran: I named him after his daddy.
Forrest Gump: He got a daddy named Forrest too?
“I can’t wait to do this with my own children. Golly, I want lots of kids! I want to adopt, I want to have my own, I want foster kids… Hey, some kid threw a snowball at us! I wish these were my own kids! Hey, are any of you up for adoption?”
Phil? Phil Connors!? (Groundhog Day)
Girl: I stole the money from my mother so I could come here because I love John! Actually, I love all the Beatles, but I especially love John! Someday I’m gonna marry John!
Reporter: Uh but, isn’t John already married?
Girl: Yeah, but he can get a divorce or his wife could get in a plane crash or she could drown or anything could happen because John has to marry me! He has to or else I’ll kill myself!
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Rosie: Oh, it’s hopeless, the show’s already started, we may as well forget about it.
Richard: Forget about it? Forget about The Beatles? What’s the matter, are you screwy or somethin’?
I Wanna Hold Your Hand
Keith Moon: When we get together, there are certain times that you just… something… happens… that I really don’t know what it is. But there’s that magic there…
Ringo Starr: It’s probably, we’re drunk.
The Kids Are Alright
“Hey Mr. Donut Man, who’s trying to kill ya? I don’t know but they better not!”
Garth Algar (Wayne’s World)
“A gun rack… a gun rack. I don’t even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do… with a gun rack?”
Wayne Campbell (Wayne’s World)
“We’ll be sure to cross our t’s and dot our… lower case j’s.”
Wayne Campbell (“Wayne’s World 2″)
Pete: Isn’t “Milwaukee” an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it’s pronounced “mill-e-wah-que” which is Algonquin for “the good land”.
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
Wayne’s World 2
Honey Horne: I’m going to be frank.
Garth Algar: Okay… can I still be Garth?
Wayne’s World 2
[suggestion for America's Choice prize for the house]
“I want something safe and fun that everyone can use: a trampoline!”
Will Kirby (Big Brother 2)
Leanne: I love you so much, you know.
Simon: Do you love me?
Leanne: Yeah, I do.
Simon: Could you get me some ketchup then?
Peter: You really know how to spoil the moment, don’t you?
[after returning home after being missing for several days]
“I don’t suppose there’s any chocolate milk going?”
Simon Barlow (Coronation Street)
“I’ve got to wee, I’m bustin’!”
Simon Barlow (Coronation Street)
“Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation and expectation begets disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest.”
Georgia Lass (Dead Like Me)
“You can’t prevent what you can’t predict.”
Mary Alice Young (Desperate Housewives)
“What is more important than ketchup?!”
Marion Cunningham (Happy Days)
Cowboy: Water my horse!
Davy: Water your horse? I’m not a stable boy!
Cowboy: I don’t care about your mental condition, water my horse!
Micky: What are you doing in here? This is our fantasy!
Davy: Yeah, yeah, we’re The Monkees! You see, in every show, we do a fantasy sequence where we romp around and jump and do funny things and nobody interrupts us — NOBODY!
“I cannot be held responsible for the things that come out of my mouth.”
Jackie Burkhart (That ’70s Show)
“Bad things happen because I’m stupid!”
Eric Forman (That ’70s Show)
“Look at all these different kinds of nuts mingling in one bowl… it’s like Nutstock, man!”
Leo (That ’70s Show)
“When I was a kid, presidents spanked us ’til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!”
Abe Simpson (“Two Bad Neighbours”)
“We are so old!”
Abe Simpson (“D’oh-in’ In The Wind”)
“Careful! They’re ruffled!”
Buzz Aldrin (“Deep Space Homer”)
“Okay folks… Show’s over. Nothing to see here… Show’s… Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage!”
Clancy Wiggum (“Bart the Fink”)
“I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed!”
Clancy Wiggum as Polonius (“Tales from the Public Domain”)
“Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.”
Comic Book Guy (“The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show”)
“There is no emoticon to describe what I am feeling!”
Comic Book Guy (“The Computer Wore Menace Shoes”)
“I’ll give you a little souvenir of my own!” [opens fist to reveal a miniature Homer snowglobe]
Homer Simpson (“Hungry Hungry Homer”)
“Pfft, English, who needs that? I’m never going to England!”
Homer Simpson (“The Way We Was”)
“My mind is always open to new ideas. Onions? In the peas?! WHAT THE HELL?!”
Homer Simpson (“The Monkey Suit”)
“I’ve run out of pie-related puns!”
Homer Simpson as Pieman (“Simple Simpson”)
“This is for your show’s slight decline in quality over the years!”
Homer Simpson as Pieman (“Simple Simpson”)
“My eye! I’m not supposed to get jigs in it!”
Lenny Leonard (“Three Gays of the Condo”)
“Pi is exactly three!”
Professor Frink (“Bye Bye Nerdie”)
“Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!”
Ralph Wiggum (“Lisa Gets an A”)
“Wait, this just doesn’t add up; Milhouse has never been anything but a comic foil!”
Seymour Skinner (“Large Marge”)
“There once was a rapping tomato
That’s right, I said rapping tomato
He rapped all day, from April to May
And also, guess what, it was me”
Homer Simpson (“Moe ‘N’ a Lisa”)
“Welcome to the jungle gym
I’ll make it safe again
Playtime is a safe time
And I’ll lay down some Astroturf
So they don’t scrape their na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees”
Ned Flanders (“Bart Has Two Mommies”)
Bart Simpson: I don’t want a new dog; I want Santa’s Little Helper!
Homer Simpson: Well, crying isn’t going to bring him back… unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying, eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell like dog food to make your dog come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!
Bart Simpson: You’re right. I’ll do it!
Homer Simpson: …Rats! I almost had him eating dog food!
(“The Canine Mutiny”)
Bart Simpson: Lisa, we can’t afford all these books!
Lisa Simpson: We’re not buying them, just borrowing them.
Bart Simpson: Ohh! Riiight… heh heh…
(“Dead Putting Society”)
Marge Simpson: I don’t want you stalking anyone tonight!
Homer Simpson: Oh, okay, have it your own way, Marge. I’ll be back in a minute. I’m going outside… to… stalk… Lenny and Carl… D’OH!
(“Homer the Great”)
Lionel Hutz: Uh oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge Simpson: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog… Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly” and the word “dog”… with “son”.
(“Bart Gets Hit by a Car”)
Professor Frink: Jesus, Mary, and glavin! These shoes are in the off position!
Lisa Simpson: You mean I danced all by myself?
Marge Simpson: See, honey? All you needed was to believe –
Homer Simpson: What are you talking about, Professor Frink? They’re clearly in the on position. See? ON!
Professor Frink: I was merely trying to spare the girl’s feelings, you insensitive clod.
Homer Simpson:Oh… ohh! Well, now that I look even closer…
(“Last Tap Dance in Springfield”)
[Homer comes into Bart's room, holding a knife]
Homer Simpson: BART-DO-YOU-WANT-SOME-BROWNIES-BEFORE-YOU-GO-TO-BED?!
Bart Simpson: Dad, I’m kind of edgy right now. I’d appreciate you not running in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife!
Homer Simpson: Why? Oh, right, the Sideshow Bob thing. I’m sorry, boy.
[Homer leaves, then comes back wearing a hockey mask and holding a chainsaw]
Homer Simpson: BART-DO-YOU-WANNA-SEE-MY-NEW-CHAINSAW-AND-HOCKEY-MASK?!
Homer Simpson: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer Simpson’s Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer Simpson: Explain how!
Homer Simpson’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer Simpson: Woo hoo!
(“Boy Scoutz N the Hood”)
Homer Simpson: We’d like to dedicate this next number to a very special woman. She’s a hundred years old and she weighs over two hundred… tons.
Man: This enormous woman will devour us all! Aah! [jumps into water]
Homer Simpson: Er, I meant the statue…
(“Homer’s Barbershop Quartet”)
Moe Syslak: There are things that mean more to me than money…
[cut to Moe receiving money from the Army Guy]
Moe Syslak: …like a whole lotta money!
Army Guy: Why did you just say that sentence fragment?
“I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.”
“Indecision may or may not be my problem.”
“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.”
James Branch Cabell
“Just think of how stupid the average person is and then realize half of them are even stupider!”
“The internet is a reflection of our society, and that mirror is going to be reflecting what we see. If we do not like what we see in that mirror, the problem is not to fix the mirror; we have to fix society.”
“You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete.”
“I’m willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.”
“There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.”
“Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add but when there is nothing left to take away.”
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
“Our fan base has always been predominantly male, but the 20% women that are fans are all completely and utterly mad.”
“I only swear at people I love… so fuck off, all of you!”
“He who knows does not speak. He who speaks does not know.”
“Life is far too important to be taken seriously.”
Reporter: The French have not yet made up their minds about The Beatles. What do you think of them?
The Beatles: Oh, we like The Beatles. They’re gear.
“Someone from the office rang me up and said, ‘Look, Paul, you’re dead’ and I said, ‘Oh, I don’t agree with that’.”
Reporter: Can you sing for us?
The Beatles: NO!
John Lennon: We need money first.
Reporter: Some people have been calling your work “Un-American”. How do you respond to this?
John Lennon: Well, that’s very observant of them.